There is this homeless man that I see frequently on my way home. I remember seeing him at this one intersection when I was in highschool. Then I went to college which requires me to take a different route too and this man began appearing on 137th and 8th street. This man was homeless wearing the bright "Homeless Voice" t-shirts begging for money but there was something about this man that differentiated him from all the other homeless people I have seen. This man looked genuinely happy and held no resentful feelings if people did not donate. He always has a smile on his face and still blesses those who don't donate. Though he may not have much, he is still content with his life. Which surprises me because here I am living a middle class lifestyle. I always have enough food so I never have to worry when I wake up wondering if I will be able to eat that day. I live in a home where I feel safe and sheltered where I don't have to worry everyday where I will be able to sleep. I can honestly say that I have more than I need but still I want more. Now that I have all the essentials I want more clothes, I want a better cell phone, I want a lap top, I want a better camera, and the list goes on and on and I know my want list will never be completed because once I get something I want then I add something else to the list. Sorry now I'm drifting away from my point of this entry.

Recently I've been stressing like crazy about college. Mainly stressed about grades because now I know that my grades is what going to help me accomplish my dream and I want to transfer to UCF a year from now. After my last class of the day, I was heading home on eighth street and I was mostly worrying about the mass amount of work I have to do. I have t study for my Marine Bio test, I have to do this lab over the internet that I've heard would take about three hours to do, I have to answer these questions for Marine lab,I have to write a paper for Anthropology of Race and Ethnicity and all of this stuff is due either Tuesday or Wednesday. All of this was on my mind when I reaches 137th avenue. I had just missed the left turn signal and it had two left turn lanes so I was stuck until the next light. I was the only car waiting there for a while. I was fidgeting with my ipod for a while trying to find a good song when I made eye contact with the homeless man. I opened my window and donated some money. We had a brief conversation then he asked if I wanted this piece of paper with a message on it. I smiled and agreed for most of the papers he hands me usually contain a thoughtful or inspirational message. He handed me a folded up piece of paper and then said "God bless you." I thanked him and said the same thing in return. He walked away and closed my window and unfolded the piece of paper and this is what it said that had inspired this whole entry.

To Blessed; To Be Stressed By Ronald Simmons

Did you wake up this morning
Then you are blessed
Do you have the use of your limbs
Then you are blessed
Do you have a roof over your head
Then you are blessed
So why worry about tomorrow
When you haven't embraced today
Now take a moment to reflect
Where God brought you from
And understand you are blessed
For when you were stuck in sin
Running the devils test
You didn't stress
Now God has brought you out of sin
And placed you among the best
So why are you stressed
For God said He'll provide your needs
Not your greed
So lean not on your understanding
Trust in the Lord with all thine mind,
Heart and Soul
And see the goodness of God's Grace and
Mercy unfold
Now walk by faith not by sight
Be blessed and your battles God will fight
Just keep walking in God's light
And everything else God will make right
So can you leave your problems in God's hand
For He's the Lord our shephard and
We shall not want
Now trust the Lord, Be Blessed, Not Stressed!!!

This message really opened my eyes. Why do I want more when I already have all more than I need. Here is a homeless man who does not have much but seems very happy. Having all the treasures in the world does not make you happy. Happiness comes from the simpler things in life and we don't have to be rich, successful or intelligent to attain it. Really stop trying to live up to others expectations and their ideals of happiness. Money sure can buy you many things but the one thing it can't buy is pure happiness. Yes, your money may be able to afford that video game you love to play or that new fancy car but eventually you'll get to the point where the video game and the car do not make you as happy as it did before and you want something else. Those things can only make you happy for so long. This homeless man had enlightened me and made my day. This man made an impact in my life and I doubt I'll ever forget him. This goes to show that you don't have to be rich or powerful in order to change someone's life and perspective.

A question I have been asked very frequently by guys who are interested in my is "What do you look for in a guy?" To be honest, I am tired of being this question over and over and over so I decided to write a blog so I can refer it to the next guy(s) who ask.

Sense of Humor: People who are constantly serious bother me. I like it if a guy can laugh at himself and can make me laugh. I don't want him to sweat the small things in life and know how to take jokes.

Protective: I may sound very old fashioned and all but I want a guy who is protective over me. A guy who will protect me from whatever danger life throws at me kinda like Edward Cullen. I can take care of myself but it would be nice to not feel as if its me against the world and I can only rely on myself.

Confidence: Cannot stress this quality enough. I am only attracted to confident guys, not arrogant. I don't want a guy with low self-esteem who needs me to constantlybe his cheerleader to raise his confidence. I need a guy who is sure of himself, knows who he is, and proud of who he is. Plus how are you supposed to love someone who doesn't even love themselves.

Kind: Ever heard the saying "nice guys finish last" well that is only true if the lack confidence. What the bad guys have is confidence and self-assurance which most nice guys lack but I do like nice guys. I want a guy who is kind to everyone he meets and never rude for no credible reason.

Good With Children: This is my biggest turn on. When I see a guy who is really great with children and enjoys being with them my heart simply melts. I love to see guys with younger children and playing around with them.

Depth: I need a guy who has depth. I want a guy who has more on his mind than the basic cars, sports, and chicks. I would like a guy who enjoys to read and think about life. A guy who steps out of the norm and does things that is not considered "cool." I don't want a copy but an original guy.

Passion: I would like a guy who feels passionate about me but not in the weird creepy stalker way but more in the everything you say and do makes me love you more kind of way. To be honest, if you ask most of the guys I've dated, I'm very difficult to keep ahold of especially at the beginning because I want to see how far a guy is willing to make things work. I frequently cancel dates and sometimes don't reply to texts. (If only guys would be bold enough to call me rather than text.) You can say I'm playing hard to get but the truth is that I'm not playing I am hard to get. A guy has to really show me how much he wants me before I could let myself fall for him.

Spontaneous: I don't want a guy who parties all the time but I also don't want a guy who doesn't party at all. I want a guy who is willing to do anything whether its having a movie night at home or going out to a club. I, for one, DON'T like routine. I love doing different things and mixing things up.

Responsible: I prefer a guy who is responsible. I want a guy who knows where his priorities lie. I admit I'm not completely responsible myself but I can't be with a guy who is more irresponsible than I am I need a guy who would push me into being responsible.
Trustworthy: I need a guy I can completely trust which is a given. I got to know that I can trust him with my heart and not worry about him ever breaking it.

Child at Heart: I want a guy who is not afraid to release the child in them whether it is watching Disney movies or going to play at the playground at the park. That may sound very childish but I don't want a guy who had lost himself somewhere along the way.

Attractive: Sorry but it's true. You can't be attracted to someone who you don't find physically attractive. I do admit there are times when a guy's personality can make him more attractive. I prefer a guy who is clean cut. I am turned off by facial hair, I don't mind the occasional scruffyness putting the emphasis on occasional. I also would like a guy who is fit I prefer my guys to have muscles and no flab. He should also know how to dress. I hate it when guys wear clothes that are ten sizes to big. (This last point may sound shallow but hey, guys are way worse they mostly date girls based on their appearance. Atleast for me I look for guy with more endearing qualities.)

Early Warning: This blog was poorly written because I was in a rant mood and could barely think clearly while writing this. Thoughts may be unclear and/or not finished. This was mostly stream of consciousness writing. If you think any of these scenarios are about you I would like you to contact me so I can talk to you about it. The people I have written about here are friends and dear to my heart and I would not think of ending a friendship with you this is just one thing I don't like about you.

Have you ever met anyone whose main purpose in life is to fit in with as many people as they can? Are they desperate to feel desirable by the opposite sex? Do they flip flop on their morals in order to fit in with those around them? Do these sort of people have a name? Well in high school and middle school these people were called wannabes. Because the want to be included etc.

Obviously these wannabes have low self-esteem. Because why else will they flip flop. These Wannabes are also hypocrites for example, I remember one particular wannabe thought that smoking was stupid and was basically suicide because you are deteriorating your life away. Then just a few months later, this wannabe was smoking ALL the time and tried to play the expert. This was not even a year later not even half a year later we're talking of about 3 to 4 months later. When I saw this behavior, I wanted to call them out but thought better of it because its just one thing. This wannabe took up smoking just because they were pressured into doing it before and now she feels the need to do it all the time in order to look "cool" in front of these people. I'm sorry but this is the kind of behavior you expect in... I don't know... HIGH SCHOOL!!!

From my observation, this person has NO self-esteem at all because if they did than wouldn't you think they'll keep their word and that is not all they've flip flopped on. There have been so much that I rather not get into it because with too many referrences this person might suspect that I'm writing about them and thats some drama I don't want to get into. But that particular person in my eyes has no personality because they do not have any morals, they do not do anything unique and only do things that are considered in.

The next person I would like to get into is also a flip flopping wannabe but they are not as bad as the person above no wait scratch that, they are just as bad I just haven't seen enough of this person. Well one day this person I'm going to name them Sally met this wonderful guy Mark (not real names). Mark was very outspoken about his views and he was also a happy go lucky type of guy. A great guy to spend time with and Sally was practically crushing on the guy. One day Sally invited Mark to spend time with her friends and along her friends was Sarah, a beautiful queen bee. She was the leader of the group and most of them looked up to her. Sarah met Mark and she disagreed on every single one of his views. Once Mark had gotten up to use the restaurant Sarah made fun of poor Mark. Sally who never defy Sarah agreed with her and added on to the ridicule. (This story was altered a bit for my own protection.)

In this scenario, Sally had fallen in love with Mark she loved spending time with him but once Sarah had ridicules and pointed out that she didn't like him then Sarah jumped on the bandwagon because God forbid she disagreed with Sarah on one thing. She has to be a mindless follower instead of standing up for what she thought and believed.

This sort of thing really bothers me because these people have NO SELF ESTEEM that they have to follow every one else because they have no minds of their own. I'm hoping for their sake that this is just an immature stage and will eventually grow out of it but you never know there are a lot of adults who do the same. Just look at out politicians. Okay rant over.

"Your loss." Have you ever had someone tell you that? You've probably heard this from an ex or someone you rejected but have you heard those words from someone who merely wanted to hook up? But the question is, is it really your loss?

Earlier this evening, I was at Florida International University's Ultra which was like a block party held on campus. Well there was music playing and people dancing with glow sticks and every so often paint was sprayed into the crowd. I had just arrived with two of my guy friends and we made our way through the crowd to meet up with the more of our friends. After pushing my way into the crowd we met up with the group. I had just arrived and all of a sudden this guy comes up behind me and puts his arms around me.

I glimpse back to see if it was someone I knew but it wasn't. Then he started dancing with me. This was totally normal because it happens all the time at clubs and parties. After a minute of dancing with my back toward him, he spun me around so that I was facing him and he leaned forward trying to kiss me. I pulled my head away and he said, "Your loss." We continued to dance and not even 30 seconds had passed by before he tried again and once again I rejected and moved my head.

He spun me back around so that my back was toward him and I was relieved because I thought he finally had given up on trying to kiss me. He, then, asks me what I was doing later that night. I told him that I didn't know yet. He then suggested I go back to one of his friend's house so that he can get me drunk. Um... WTF?! To me, this sounded as if he wanted to get me drunk so that he could have his way with me and maybe even rape me. Well I brushed it off because I knew I was gonna go no where with him. I still had my friends near by which I wonder why they didn't save me from this guy after giving the signal but then again my girl friends were further away and the ones closer to me were the guys. I tried making faces to see if they got the point and tried to save me but um... yep I was left to fend this guy on my own but no worries I'm strong girl who can take care of this. I just wanted didn't want to be too rude in the process.

After this, he spun me around once again and went in for his third try once again I pulled away and he said to me "your loss." After dancing for a few more seconds, the music ended and he let go of me which this was my chance to escape. Luckily there was a big crowd so when he turned to look at the stage to hear the announcements I pushed through the crowd behind my friends. I know some of you are thinking wow she is such a coward why couldn't she just be up front with him and say get away. Well unlike alot of people I'm too kind, not all the time, but I regret if I tell anyone off. Personally, I think my way was better because I didn't have to deal with confrontation and the look on his face when I did so. Don't get me wrong, if this continued for much longer I would have been upfront to him.

Well back to the point of this blog. He had told me your loss more than once but was it really? Was it really my loss that I didn't kiss this random guy who may I add was not that good looking in the first place with his Mexican mustache and papi chulo look. Do you think days, months or even years from now I'm going to think "Ah I should have really kissed that random guy who just wanted to fuck me and move on?" This guy who only wanted pleasure from my body rather than really get to know me. He wanted me as his one night stand. Um... yeah that may work with other less confident, less self- respecting girls, but not with me. I for one am not a piece of meat and just because I rejected having a fling with you does not mean I'm at a total loss.

Dreams? They are a weird thing. I'm not talking about dreams like what you wish and hope for I'm talking about real dreams the little stories and images that play in our minds that is projected from our subconscious. It's like watching a movie except your the star and you are placed in weird situations. Sometimes it's about something that engulfs your mind while you are awake other times its something that you didn't even know passed through your mind. You sometimes don't even know how a dream came to play. Is it our subconcious trying to tell us something or is our creative juices just flowing.

I have this document on my computer where I record odd dreams I've had. Dreams that I don't know what they mean but feel the urge to record it. Today I wrote one dream I had over the weekend after I recorded it I read the others I have recorded before and to this day I still find them odd and can't believe my mind could conjure up those dreams. It is quite obvious that sometimes dreams show us our deepest desires and our worst fears but sometimes dreams show us things that we do not understand. Do dreams hold secrets to our hearts? Do they foreshadow events to come?

Here is a dream I had on December 5, 2007. This was written a long time ago and I never intended to make this public but whats the harm?

I was with some sort of celebrity not too sure who wasn't specified in the dream. The celebrity needed a liga to pick up her hair so I went up the elevator to the top floor of the building we were at. I think I was on the tenth floor or something. I found the liga but in the process I was able to overhear a conversation that was occuring in the floor below. The floor and walls were paper thin I guess that you can over hear someone's conversation. So I was about to take the elevator back down to the first floor when I heard a voice say "Who is up there?" I stayed silent knowing that I wasn't supposed to have heard their conversation. I stayed silent hoping they would think that no one was up there and they were just hearing things but they didn't believe that and continue to shout through the floor asking who was up there. Then things got serious. They said that if I went down the elevator they would stop it and if I went down the stairs they were bound to catch me. So I was up on the tenth floor freaking out thinking what should I do to get out of there alive. Before I knew it I was awoken which sucked because I wanted to know how I was going to get down or what was going to happen next.

Okay so here are my questions. Why was there a celebrity in my dream and why was I so eager to assist them? I'm to fond of celebrities anymore so I found this part kind of odd. Who were people on the floor below? and What exactly did I overhear them say? Apparently my subconscious self heard and understood what they were talking about but when I awoke I was clueless.

Here is an interpretations in key themes in my dream according to Dream Moods Dictionary.

Celebrity: To dream that you are good friends with a celebrity, represents your idealized version of someone you know in your life. Perhaps you hope that a real-life friend can act more like a particular celebrity. Consider the qualities that you see in this celebrity and how you want your friends to have those qualities.

Elevator: To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

Trapped: To dream that you are trapped or caught in a trap, suggests that you are feeling confined and restricted in your job, career, health, or a personal relationship. You may be in a rut or tired of the same daily monotony.

Building: To see a building in your dream, represents the self and the body. How high you are in the building indicates a rising level of understanding or awareness. If you are in the lower levels of the building, then it refers to more primal attitudes and/or sexuality.

Okay now I will try my best to interpret my dream using the interpretations above. I'm going to ignore the celebrity part because I didn't see a particular celebrity. The celebrity I dreamt of was my own creation.

So I'm in a building which represents my self and rising to the top floor which is the tenth represents I reached the top level of understanding and awareness? I don't believe thats true but lets carry on. The elevator represents that I am looking at the world at an elevated point of view ironic considering I'm very short but I know it means on a conscious level rather than a physical level. I was trapped on the tenth floor I wanted to go back down but I was trapped for fear of what those on the floor below would do to me but none the less I felt trapped on the top floor and I wanted to get back down to the first floor safely. Does this mean I fear being at the top level of understanding. That I don't want to be too high on a level of understanding that I feel more comfortable at a more primitive level.

Does it mean that I've reached the highest level of understanding? Nope, scratch that, I know I haven't and I'm not even close. Oh wait, I think I got something does it mean I reached the top level of understanding myself but feel trapped in this full understanding and want to descend back down but can't because I'm trapped?

Ahh!!! Who knows? I've tried to interpret my dream the best I could and well thats all I can get. I should be off to bed because it's getting late. Well it's not that late, but I'm trying to make a habit of getting more hours of sleep and I tend to have stronger dreams when I do ;D. Good Night

This is irrelevant to the dream above but I've had several dreams about Elysa and in my opinion that this definition is dead on.

Dead:To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend alive in your dream, indicates that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

I miss you Elysa :(

Have you ever had that annoying guy/girl who would call you incessantly? Instant message you the instant you sign on? In general try to contact you as much as possible? I remember last summer there was this guy who liked me and he called me several times a day most of the time I didn't answer the phone then when I would sign on my computer would instantly im me. Thankfully he has calmed down but I do talk to him every so often.

Now there is another pest. This one started off by using the facebook messenger to contact him so the moment I sign on to check facebook a little box in the corner of the page pops up. Eventually he got my aim screen name and oh boy that was not good at all. You would think that would slow down the facebook messenging since it usually slowed down my computer but no. As soon as I sign on to aim there he is iming me before my computer has finished loading then I sign on to facebook and there he is again instant messaging me. Sometimes we have 2 conversations at the same time but most of the time I just ignore him.

But it seems to me that this guy spends all day on his computer maybe he has a laptop that he carries everywhere but whenever I sign on aim there he is. This guy really needs to get a break from his computer. I often wonder how many friends this guy actually have that he has to im all the time. Oh may I add even if I ignore him he still ims me a few minutes later and then a little later for example.

(Screen Name removed) (5:34:01 PM): hey there
(Screen Name removed) (6:00:05 PM): hiiiiiiiii

I don't know what his obsession is but this is a huge turn off. No one wants to be smothered because its a huge annoyance. One thing I know for sure is that I am never giving this guy my number because then my phone will be ringing off the hook and he would not be getting the hint.

Now this has gotten me into the topic of obsessive guys. I bet most people have had to dealt with a couple of these types in the dating game. You know the one who keeps calling, texting, iming, etc. I remember this one guy I almost dated in January. He seemed like a great guy good looking and sweet with a great personality or thats what I thought when I first met him. Oh how my first impression decieved me. I gave him my number and this guy would text me every minute and when I didn't respond immediately he would send me the same text over and over and over again until I respond. I remember dreading to look at my phone to see the amount of unread texts I had waiting from this guys within 5 minutes.

What also pushed me away was that he was telling me that he was in love and how he hasn't felt that way about any girl for more than a year. I thought that was sweet at first but then it scared me the more he would point it out because this guy barely knew me. He just went off on his first impression of me and the information he got off my myspace. Well just that day I recieved about a hundred texts from this guy and I had only responded to 1/3 of them. That day I was already completely turned off and no longer wanted anything more to do with him so I stopped replying to his texts altogether and deleted him and blocked him on myspace because I kept recieving myspace messages from him and I was just sick of it.

First of all, you don't tell a girl you are utterly in love with her within the first few days of meeting her more especially since you don't know the girl that well to be so in love. Second, don't call every single second of every single day that will give the girl the feeling that you are too into her which will only make her push you away mostly because she is frightened. Sorry but with stories of stalkers and crazy ex-boyfriends killing their girlfriends you gotta watch your back and push away when dangerous signs appear. Obsession is a scary thing in relationships.

Is it just me or when I say I hate something I eventually learn to appreciate or even love? For example, I used to say I hate country music and I mean hate. Now... I have some country songs and I've learned to appreciate the music and enjoy it more than other genres that I used to like. I also used to say that I hate bands like A*Teens because it's too kiddie (mind you I was 12 when I thought this) now I like the band and wonder why I ever hated them. I guess it was because back then I tried so hard to grow up faster and now to make up for trying to grow up too fast I've become obsessed with childish things. That probably sparked my Disney obsession, I love watching children movies, I love swinging, seeing Mickey now sparks my heart as if I still believe that he is real instead of some actor underneathe a costume. My room had transformed from having celebrity posters surrounding my walls to having Disney lithographs in it's place.

It's like instead of growing up I somehow went to Neverland and I just want to stay here forever. I love the innocence, being hopeful, believing in my dreams, just in general not being tainted. What I don't like is when people try to wake me up from my bliss and try to show me the world from their point of view trying to prove that life is no fairy tale. Why are they trying to do that to me? It's as if they want to wake me up from my bliss and show me a cold, hard, and lonely world. People say that I'm in my own little world and need wake up to reality. But what exactly is reality? If we aren't supposed to be happy be paranoid and see the world as a horrible place then why do so many people aspire to find happiness?

What exactly is reality? Well in my opinion there is no real answer. Like that Hannah Montana song "Life's What You Make It." It's however you want to see it as. The same way people don't understand how I could still be so innocent and happy I don't see how they could not be happy. And trust me I've seen people who get depressed for the smallest things. It seems to me they just want to be depressed because they let a small disturbing thought fester and haunt their thoughts til it's all they think about. What I do is not think of the bad things. Why worry? Things will always turn out alright in the end.

Ugh!!!! My parents are so friggin paranoid and it drives me crazy. No normal person is as paranoid as they are. Have you ever met someone who was so paranoid that believed that whole world evolved around them and were just out to get them well that describes my parents. My parents ALWAYS second guess someone of ulterior motives and I mean ALWAYS and because I don't see things the way they do they just start screaming and telling me how everyone and their mothers are just pure evil. They tell me not to trust ANYONE and not to talk to anyone because they will get information from you and use it against you and all types of information could be used against you. Like the well known fact that I love Disney that is enough information to kidnap me and kill me? Um... hello? Where's the logic? Man, I can't wait to move out so I don't have to deal with BS anymore.

I miss your ring tone whenever you called me.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your smile.
I miss your voice.
I miss running at the fair to get dip n dots.
I miss talking to you late at night.
I miss your advice.
I miss all the times we went to movies together.
I miss shopping with you.
I miss your jokes.
I miss going to the beach with you.
I miss singing sing star with you.
I miss going to U.M. games with you.
I miss our many sleepovers.
I miss your cooking.
I miss baking cookies with you.
I miss staying up all night with you.
I miss your teaching.
I miss our quince cruise.
I miss playing video games with you.
I miss playing DDR with you. You were always a whole lot better than me.
I miss your love for basketball.
I miss our deep conversations.
I miss jetskiing with you.
I miss trespassing at the beach with you.
I miss splitting a sub with you.
I miss safety patrolling with you and saying good morning so many times that it didn't sound like a word anymore.
I miss closing those doors on some people.
I miss running from Alex & her boyfriend with you.
I miss playing twister at your first house.
I miss volunteering with you at the nun's house.
I miss bowling with you.
I miss going to parties and dances with you.
I miss going to the fair and other carnivals with you.
I miss "raising the bar with you"
I miss telling you everything.
I miss all of our childhood memories.
I will miss everything we planned to do together.
I miss every moment I was with you.
You were a huge part of my lifeand I've known you since kindergarten. You were the friend I had the longest and my best friend. Being there for me through thick and thin. You were an amazing friend and I'll never ever forget you. I love you so much and I will see you again til then watch over us and be our guiding angel. Love you always.

I can't sleep but I don't think its because of my insomnia but more so because today I found out my best friend died in a car accident last night. This is the first time anyone close to me has ever died and to be honest its hard. When I was first told the news I was in complete denial I couldn't believe it I didn't want to believe it. I picked up my phone and called her over three times and each time the phone went straight to voice mail. Tears started to form in my eyes but I still couldn't believe it. When she didn't answer her phone I went straight to sending her a message on myspace. Pleading with her to tell me that what I heard was true. I still was in denial til my mother called her family to see if the news were true and unfortunately they were. I'm still having a hard time believing it. How could she have died when I talked to her the day before the accident. I was asking her to go out with us yesterday. How could this happen? She just can't be gone. The weird thing is last night while I was trying to fall asleep I got the sudden feeling that Elysa was like distant as if I hadn't spoken to her in a long time but I brushed it off because I talked to her the day before. What I didn't know was that really was distant. Now I can't call her to hear her voice. I don't have her iming me to talk to me every day. I don't have someone to hang out with and tell me what she thinks. She's gone and the last time I talked to her will always be the last and the last time I saw her was it. Why? She was a cautious driver she was very careful. She always wore her seat belt. Never drank and drove. Never even smoked. She loved doing risky things like she wanted to go sky diving and she never got to do it. This wasn't supposed to happen! I don't know how many times I've said that today but it wasn't. We were supposed to start FIU in the summer and be in every single class together. We were supposed to start going to the FIU gym together. She was supposed to be surgeon. She was supposed to be my maid of honor. She was supposed to be the godmother of my first born. She was supposed to be there for most of my life. Why? Why her? She was so excited about starting college at FIU. I miss her sooooo much. Everything even reminds me of her. I've known her since kindergarten. She was there when my life turned to hell in 8th grade. She was one of the friends that stood by me when it felt as if most of the world turned its back on me. She was there whenever I needed a friend to vent too.

Elysa, You were my best friend since as far as I can remember. You stood by me when it felt as if most of the world has turned it's back on me and you stuck by me when things got better. You were there for me through thick and thin you are truly one of the bestest friends anyone can ask for. I still can't believe your gone but I know you are in a way better place. I'll never forget you for you are imprinted in my heart. I'm looking forward to the time when I get to see you again. I love you soo much and you are my angel.
Love always, Nikki

She doesn't know why but she knows that when
She’s all alone feels like its all coming down

^ Exerpt from the song Stand in the Rain by Superchick

I guess my biggest fear is being alone and I've been alone for far too long. Before I used to avoid it because I know if I'm alone thoughts starts racing through my head and they are mostly thoughts I try to avoid. I hate being alone I can't stand it. I feel like I'm losing all my close friends. I barely talk to them and I used to see them 24/7. Now I'm always alone locked in my room with just me and the computer. I sometimes have my aim on but lately I have it off and I neglect it. I've also avoided signing onto Myspace and Facebook. It's like I left my real life to be in a virtual one. And I've become a complete and utter mess. I have so many things that I need to do but I have neglected here's a list of everything I need to do.

To do list...
1. Pick up Diploma (might be a problem because school is over for the underclassmen)
2. Get License (This might help me get back to my real life)
3. Get a Job (I need something productive to occupy some of my time)
4. Get a Car
4. Stay in contact with friends
5. Get a normal sleeping schedule

I really don't like who I have become and I want to change. But I never knew that change could be so difficult when you are feeling down. All you want to do is be shut away in your room ignoring the world or thats what I've been doing lately. This is not healthy at all. I want to have a life again. I hate being at home but I'm not doing anything about it. Well I know the main reason I haven't taken my driver's license test is because I've been terrified of failing it. I know if I fail I could just take a test the next day but for some reason I fear the failure. Why do I fear failure? I guess its because most people think that I'm stupid and good for nothing and I don't want to fail because I don't want to give others more reasons to believe that I'm useless and a failure. Now I'm tears are falling from my eyes. Why do I write on this stupid thing? Everytime I do I figure out more about myself because I'm writing out of stream of conciousness and I put two and two together and I understand myself more.
You know what screw everyone. I'm going to prove every single person wrong and prove them that I have more potential then they think. I can succeed at anything I want to and I'm going to do just that. My parents think I'm going to do really bad in college but you know what I'm going to attempt to get the best grades I can get. I'm going to get a job to depend on myself and pay for my own gas and things I buy. I'm going to start dance class again and I put my heart and soul into dancing and strive to become the best possible dancer I can be. I'm not going to do what I did before and miss alot of classes. I'm going to go everyday unless I feel physically ill or have something more important to do but I'm going to put my heart and soul into dancing so I can strive to become a professional dancer. I'm not going to fear going to the auditions. If I get rejected then I'll simply try harder. Why give up? I'm going to be the best I can be and I'm not going to let anyone put me down. I'm going to make my appointment for my license on Monday. If I get the license I'm going to apply for a dance school and apply for jobs. I'm going to stop what I'm turning into and become successful and so that means I should go to bed now so I can break out of the habit of falling asleep at 6 and waking up at 2. Watch Me Shine I'm going to be the best that I can be.


I'm gonna show the world the strength in me
That sometimes they can't see

“The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.”

This journal entry was inspired by the quote above.

You can say I had a revelation. I know many people who do not see the importance of getting married or the true reason people get married. You marry someone you make a vow that you will be with there for that person through thick and thin through darkness and light through sickness and in health and they made the same promise to you. Most people today think that if you live with someone you don't need to get married because you have all what married people have except a certificate. But in marriage you make the vow of staying with that person til the end of their days. Which is good because then you don't feel insecure that they are going to walk out on you at any moment because they made a promise to you and to God to be together forever. To be each other's comfort. When you are simply living with someone you don't have the sense of security because I don't know about everyone else but whenever I'm in some sort of relationship my biggest fear is that they would walk out on me at any moment when I least expect it.
Human beings are not programmed to be lonely. Even those who are anti-social have someone they interact with and trust. People want someone that will be there for them forever who will never walk out and will love you til you die. Thats why I don't like divorce because it ruins the whole purpose of marriage. But also divorce makes people believe that they can get out whenever they please and they are less serious about choosing their wife or husband. Thats why I want to be 100% sure when I get married which may be impossible for me because I'm never 100% sure about anything.

"After a while, you learn that you don't need anyone else in order to survive. No one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise you. You just gotta suck it up, and accept it."

The main reason I decided to stay in Miami and go to FIU instead of FAU was mostly because I thought I didn't want to lose them and moving away no matter how much I said I was going to be back every weekend I knew it wasn't going to happen. I graduated from high school 2 weeks ago and my friends and I have only hung out once. Once in two weeks. That is crazy. We used to see each other almost every friggin day. Now the only people who bother to contact me were people who I rarely ever did talk to to begin with. I guess my real best friend in this world is Elysa and thats because she has been the only one of my friends who has bothered to call me or im me every day. And now Andrew calls me everyday. I barely ever saw or talked to the guy last year but now we talk like everyday. Yeah my other best friends have left me a comment once or twice but thats it. Yeah I know it's partially my fault as well because I expect everyone else to contact me but can you blame a girl? Thats pretty much how its been for a long time. Everyone calls me everyone ims me now I barely get any contact. It has gotten to the point that I've gotten hooked to a different world. To an imaginative world. Maybe I just need to buckle down and learn to contact everyone else. Damn it I need to a friggin license and a car. God knows I'll be showing up at my friend's house uninvited. Okay I gotta go to sleep it's 4:00 and yesterday I stayed up all night and ended up falling asleep at like noon. Why is it that I'm drawn to being nocturnal?

I think I may be going insane.... I've been on summer vacation for about two weeks now and its amazing what has become of me. I have started procrastinating more and I have also become more anti-social. Like I was supposed to pick up my diploma from my high school last week but I over-slept oh may I add that I have also been nocturnal for the past two weeks? I would sleep all day and be up all night it's crazy!!! I need to change good thing I'm starting at F.I.U. this summer because I don't know whats going to become of me at the end of the summer. I also need to get my license and car within this month.... It's like I completely neglected all sorts of responsibilty and I don't like it. I feel like I'm becoming like my... oh God like my mother who is the last person I want to be like. Don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart but I don't like how she is irresonsible, lazy, and anti-social now look at me... I'm becoming just like her. I need to break out of this cycle FAST!!!!

"Yes I know it's a lovely morning, but it was a lovely dream too. What kind of a dream? Can't tell. Cause if you tell a wish it won't come true and after all...

A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true.

They can't order me to stop dreaming and perhaps someday the dream that I wish will come true."

From Disney's Cinderella.


The reason I placed that quote here is because I awoke this morning to the most beautiful dream I've ever had. What was it? I'm going to say. I just hope it will come true.

I was just in the bathroom washing my face and the bathroom window was open. As I was moisturizing my face, I heard a clicking sound outside the window. Just then my heart started beating at quick pace. I remained in the bathroom for a little while wondering what I should do. Should I have looked out the window to find out what was making that sound, should I have let remained quietly there, or should I just let it go and leave. Well I tried to use the third option, but yeah as you could see I'm still paranoid.

It really sucks. My parents have always been very cautious and paranoid thinking anything and everything they heard on the news has a very high chance of happening to me. I have yet to go through a day when my parents do not tell me a story they heard on the news about someone brutally murdering someone or mere accidents. Its so bad that its gotten to the point that they didn't let me go jet skiing because I could get killed. I am more likely to be killed in a car accident than jet skiing. I went anyways behind their backs and had the time of my life.

As much as I don't want them to get to me they still do. When I am left home alone a grow paranoid. I get the sharpest and biggest knife in the kitchen and carry it around with me just in case someone attempts to attack me. Every night I lock myself in my room to create more of an obstacle if someone somehow broke into my house with the full intention of killing me. There have been many nights when I can't even close my eyes in fear that one I do I could be caught off guard. I have to have the tv on when I am sleeping because the noise drowns out the the silence and the small glow of the television makes it easier to examine my room to make sure no one was standing there with a knife ready to brutally slaughter me.

I may be exaggerating a bit. I'm not always paranoid. Actually, I'm not usually paranoid unless I saw a scary movie, read about a serial killer, or read something scary which was what I did today. I do have to admit that I am paranoid when I am home alone and any small little sound makes me jump. Have you noticed that on the news there is a certain trend. When one person does something like the kid who did that school shooting. Afterwards you heard about school shootings almost everyday. I think the news and possibly movies and television give potential sick murderers gruesome ideas.

I am no one's second choice. If a guy wants to pursue a relationship with me I better be the girl he likes the most. I never want to be the back up and if I ever suspect that I'm back up then I will never give that guy the time of day. And that is because I am high maintenance when it comes to emotions. I admit it I'm a hopeless romantic. I want a guy to truly love me I want a guy to look at me the way Patrick Dempsey looked at Amy Adams in Enchanted during the ball room scene. I want a guy be truly madly deeply in love with me. Yeah I know life isn't a fairy tale and people don't fall in love instantly but they didn't fall in love instantly okay maybe they did but that is because they spent the whole entire day together and she was just what he needed someone to add some light to his dark day and he was what she needed to wake her up to reality so in the end they will meet somewhere in the middle. They were meant to be together forever. If it's not mad passionate love I won't get involved. I also read somewhere that in order for a relationship to work the guy must love the girl most before you contradict me listen to what I have to say in defense. Girls fall for guys far too often falling for their words, their broken promises, etc. But a guy... guys on the other hand don't fall in love too frequently so when they fall in love with a girl its passionate and he is the guy that girls dream to have. If a guy does truly romantic gestures for a girl he's got them hooked and guys well they don't usually do that so you know their the one when they would go through extraordinary lengths for you. Plus its the best way to avoid heart ache. Okay back to the purpose in writing this entry. I would never want to be anyone's second choice. My only position in any guy's life better be first and if I have a feeling that I'm just their second choice and there is someone else they'd rather be with than I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball. I have too much pride to let myself go down to second rate. I know that I'm worth it and guys would be lucky to even date me since I am so selective. Sometimes I worry that my standards are far too high and that I'm making love to be something it's not. But if thats the truth than I rather be a single woman for life than settling for a guy who will not respect me the way I should be respected. This topic was brought to mind because I was thinking back to a friend's relationship. My friend Mary liked a guy, John, who liked this other girl, Jane. When Jane got in a relationship with this other guy John moved on to Mary. Then later while the two were dating Jane told me a conversation she had had with John and that was that he said if she had an ounce of feeling for him he would leave Mary in a heart beat just so that he could be with her. (Names were changed for my own protection lol) The point of this story is that I would never want to be in Mary's shoes and I would never let myself be in her shoes. You could say I'm like a car... I don't know that much about cars but I'll try to make this simile work. Most people want the ferrari or the porsche because they are harder to obtain and they are more expensive but if someone can't afford one of those cars they move down to the next best thing. I don't want to be the next best thing I want to be that ferrari the best of the best. The one that guys have to work hard in order to afford me. Okay well I've been rambling on for long enough. I'm off to bed.

I was talking to my friend Gaby earlier today and we got to the topic of promises. During this conversation I realized that now a days no one keeps a promise. A promise is forever not whenever your feelings change or you change. When a promise is made it's meant to be kept. But to be honest how many real promises do we see out there? Very few. The thing is in our society we are so used to being selfish and a we fear commitment. There is a problem within a friendship instead of trying to fix it they leave it broken. This may also be a reason why so many marriages end in divorce. Things get hard and all you wanna do is walk out. Why can't we all be strong people and try to keep the promises we make to one another. If you don't think you can keep a promise than don't make it in the first place. I no longer make promises I cannot keep and I hate it when people try to make promises with me when I know it's going to be broken. What ever happened to being people of our word?

Gah!!! I feel like shit today and it's been a while since I've felt like shit. On Thursday this guy messaged me and wanted to get to know me so he imed and we talked. He seemed really sweet except for the fact that he is coming off way too strong for me. Like earlier that day before I signed on to aim he sent me 3 messages telling me he really wants to talk to me because he's never felt like this about any girl before. The thing is he doesn't know me that much he's just seen my pictures and read my myspace profile which doesn't say much about me. So why is this guy already head over heels for me? So yeah I made the mistake of giving him my number because he's been texting and calling me constantly even when I wouldn't text back he would send me a stream of texts. This morning alone he texted me and then called me twice in a row. I definitely don't want to pursue this relationship because as charming as he seems at first he is well too attached already. He tries to text me constantly and then wants me to call him but I never do. I feel bad though because he told me I was the first he's liked in over a year. So I don't know what to do. I'm trying to ignore all his texts, calls, myspace messages, and ims. Like I'm not even going online just because I don't want to talk to him. I would go on and block him but I don't want him to see my screen name online and unfortunately I don't know how to sign onto aim already on invisible mode. The scary part is that he put me as his number one on his top friends already on myspace.